I keep feeling that I should check in and say hello, even though I have nothing of interest to report.
For those keeping track, I'm about 32 weeks pregnant at this point, or right around 8 months. I have another 2ish months to go, in other words. And boy, do I have an overwhelming urge to overshare to the whole wide Internet about the horror--did I say horror? I meant 'miracle'--that is/has been pregnancy for me. But I'll spare you for the spirit of this blog. What I'll say is this. If you find yourself reading one of those "What to Expect..." type of books, and you get to side effects and see that some women may experience this, or that, or that, just take those "or's" and replace them with "and." That's basically been me so far. Baby is healthy. I have no disorders either. I'm just suffering from what experts [should] call "really awful pregnancy syndrome."
I'm working the same job and intend to keep working right up to my due date - no need to waste my [unpaid] maternity leave. Husband's new job has been an adjustment, but we're adapting and I think it was a good move for him to take this opportunity.
It is still very cold outside here, was four degrees above zero this morning and the wind chill was decently below zero. Bummer for a lady who can't zip up her coat anymore, let alone reach her feet to put on socks or shoes.
Spring is around the corner.... right? For now, it's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
Saturday, February 02, 2013
the sound of deadlines whizzing by
It's hard for me to research when I have no external purpose/drive. I'm not expected to do research for my job, and I don't have a career goal for which I specifically need to keep my CV fresh.
I originally figured I'd go all in for 2012/2013, publishing articles from my painfully long and tedious dissertation. I have instead published nothing from it, and I'm not motivated to do so. It's time sensitive and someone else will probably publish something similar, effectively 'stealing my thunder,' or the work will become obsolete. I honestly don't care. When I finished it I was hell-bent on making it 'mean something.' Now I look at it and think that it actually means everything. That fat book is the physical representation of the achievement of all of my academic goals.
So, writing it was very worthwhile, even if it never sees the light of day again. I'm not saying it won't. I'm just saying I have no plans for it. After I graduated, I made deadlines for myself to publish various parts of it. Deadline for article #5 is about to pass and I haven't even begun on the work for deadline #1 (which was, ahem, last July sometime).
I have published one (unrelated) article since I graduated. I could do some research on the topic too, as there is little about it out there (at least, not that I could find when writing the initial article). I promised myself I'd do it this spring. Will I? Who knows. It's February now. I spent January googling reviews of baby gear and placing Amazon & Zulilly orders.
I also spent January starting to feel like a person again (an oddly shaped one), rejoicing the departure of a physical state teetering between "about to die" and "i might already be dead and this is hell." In the fall, there was no way I could do anything more than the most basic functions of my day job, and I was heavily medicated. But now, I really could do research and write article(s). I still have about 4 full months until baby time.
The problem is motivation. I keep waiting to WANT to do the research. When I was in school, the dark cloud of responsibility kept me going. It was heavy and unpleasant, and I kept my momentum with the promise that once I finished, that cloud would lift. It did lift. I really don't want bring that feeling upon myself again. I like feeling light and free, able to just chill out and look at Pinterest or bake a fun dessert or do a house project or watch a movie without the evil voice of responsibility goading me about my procrastination or the ticking clock.
I tell myself this is how most people live outside of work. They relax and enjoy life. But the evil voice is lingering. It says "Not you. You have a doctorate. You have to work 24/7. Forever. Muhahahaha." Ugh.
I refuse to believe that's what a PhD means for me. Many people choose that path, and I know it suits them very well. It is not that I don't want to be a lifelong learner. I'm not sitting here thinking "I'm done learning. No more learning for me!" It's just that I learn other kinds of things (at least right now). Like, I'm currently trying (and failing) to learn how to do some simple crochet stitches. And soon I'll take a class to learn how to keep a newborn child alive (this is a concern of mine).
Besides, my PhD was a personal accomplishment.
My advisor told me once that when I applied for the program, he didn't know if my motivation was in the right place. People usually go in to a PhD with definite career and academic goals, that is, something they want to research. Some topic(s) they are passionate about and thus wish to become experts. Me, I just wanted a PhD. I love my field of course, I didn't want just any ol' PhD. But I internally just wanted to prove to myself that I could complete this highest level of academic study. My advisor felt that for most people, the type of motivation I had was not enough to carry them through the program.
Turns out, I'm stubborn. I did it. It's signed, sealed, delivered. Framed and hung. Bound and shelved. So why do I now feel obligated to "use it" or "live up to it?"
I guess people with a PhD aren't supposed to just work a staff job by day, and then sit around at night watching reruns of The Simpsons. Food for thought.
I originally figured I'd go all in for 2012/2013, publishing articles from my painfully long and tedious dissertation. I have instead published nothing from it, and I'm not motivated to do so. It's time sensitive and someone else will probably publish something similar, effectively 'stealing my thunder,' or the work will become obsolete. I honestly don't care. When I finished it I was hell-bent on making it 'mean something.' Now I look at it and think that it actually means everything. That fat book is the physical representation of the achievement of all of my academic goals.
So, writing it was very worthwhile, even if it never sees the light of day again. I'm not saying it won't. I'm just saying I have no plans for it. After I graduated, I made deadlines for myself to publish various parts of it. Deadline for article #5 is about to pass and I haven't even begun on the work for deadline #1 (which was, ahem, last July sometime).
I have published one (unrelated) article since I graduated. I could do some research on the topic too, as there is little about it out there (at least, not that I could find when writing the initial article). I promised myself I'd do it this spring. Will I? Who knows. It's February now. I spent January googling reviews of baby gear and placing Amazon & Zulilly orders.
I also spent January starting to feel like a person again (an oddly shaped one), rejoicing the departure of a physical state teetering between "about to die" and "i might already be dead and this is hell." In the fall, there was no way I could do anything more than the most basic functions of my day job, and I was heavily medicated. But now, I really could do research and write article(s). I still have about 4 full months until baby time.
The problem is motivation. I keep waiting to WANT to do the research. When I was in school, the dark cloud of responsibility kept me going. It was heavy and unpleasant, and I kept my momentum with the promise that once I finished, that cloud would lift. It did lift. I really don't want bring that feeling upon myself again. I like feeling light and free, able to just chill out and look at Pinterest or bake a fun dessert or do a house project or watch a movie without the evil voice of responsibility goading me about my procrastination or the ticking clock.
I tell myself this is how most people live outside of work. They relax and enjoy life. But the evil voice is lingering. It says "Not you. You have a doctorate. You have to work 24/7. Forever. Muhahahaha." Ugh.
I refuse to believe that's what a PhD means for me. Many people choose that path, and I know it suits them very well. It is not that I don't want to be a lifelong learner. I'm not sitting here thinking "I'm done learning. No more learning for me!" It's just that I learn other kinds of things (at least right now). Like, I'm currently trying (and failing) to learn how to do some simple crochet stitches. And soon I'll take a class to learn how to keep a newborn child alive (this is a concern of mine).
Besides, my PhD was a personal accomplishment.
My advisor told me once that when I applied for the program, he didn't know if my motivation was in the right place. People usually go in to a PhD with definite career and academic goals, that is, something they want to research. Some topic(s) they are passionate about and thus wish to become experts. Me, I just wanted a PhD. I love my field of course, I didn't want just any ol' PhD. But I internally just wanted to prove to myself that I could complete this highest level of academic study. My advisor felt that for most people, the type of motivation I had was not enough to carry them through the program.
Turns out, I'm stubborn. I did it. It's signed, sealed, delivered. Framed and hung. Bound and shelved. So why do I now feel obligated to "use it" or "live up to it?"
I guess people with a PhD aren't supposed to just work a staff job by day, and then sit around at night watching reruns of The Simpsons. Food for thought.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
new year full of new news
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It's been a busy couple of weeks since the last time I wrote. Husband got himself a shiny new job, for one thing. He wasn't really looking for one, but when the right opportunity presents itself, you'd be silly not to pursue. His new job is in our same city and is even physically located near his old office building, so our day-to-day routine won't change too much. However, this job will provide him with some diverse experience for his resume that we hope will help him a lot in the future, and it will help us with our long term plans and goals, too. Pretty great news for Christmas time, right?
As for me, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my post PhD career. Honestly, I'm not sure. Thing is, I don't really care for doing research and writing papers, and that's pretty much what you have to do to be a tenure-track professor. I like the teaching aspect but don't like the research aspect. Should I become a lecturer instead? Or an adjunct? A consultant? A combination of both? A flexible career would be my ideal, but isn't that everyone's ideal? Time will tell where I go with this... We'll see. Many people would tell you that getting a PhD if you don't intend to become a professor is a waste. I don't see it that way. I do and always have seen it as a personal accomplishment. I came, I learned, I conquered. Now I can make my own path and have many more options -- including becoming a research-oriented professor. I mean, I could just be temporarily burnt out from SO MUCH focus on research with my dissertation. But looking back, I can't really ever remember having a passion for it...
And lastly, here's the news people always wait for when a blog goes silent for months. Usually it's because the blogger is pregnant. In this case, I have to say that my blog has been silent (semi-silent) for other reasons, namely those mentioned in my last post back in December. I'm enjoying being *just a reader*.
So that's a separate issue from the news that I actually am pregnant. This will not be a pregnancy blog or a mommy blog. Believe it or not, I have no desire to write about my experience for an audience. Maybe because I don't want to scare anyone (it's not been fun). But to appease you, baby is the size of a papaya, you know the drill. Imagine a picture of me covered with acne, wearing ill-fitting clothes, and looking decidedly bloated and miserable, and holding said fruit.
Since I know people will ask, here are the answers.
Due? June
Gender? Girl
Planned? Yes (and rude of you to ask).
Glowing? No.
[Insert undesireable pregnancy symptom here]: Yes.
[Insert awesome pregnancy symptom here]: No.
Bump picture? No. Maybe sometime... see Instagram.
Cravings? Potato Oles from Taco Johns. Cherry Icees.
And yes, I am excited and happy about it. It's just thus far been hard to reflect it outwardly when I've spent the last 5 months feeling like you have a hangover*, and a migraine, and the skin of a 14 year old, and an out of control weight problem.
But still: baby girl! We are anxiously awaiting her arrival.
How was everyone's Holiday?
*I know it's one's nature to want to help, but please don't sugged that x, y, or z helped your 'morning sickness'. I am/have been at the "up the dosage on those prescriptions and try combining them" level. Not the "gingerale & apples" level.
As for me, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my post PhD career. Honestly, I'm not sure. Thing is, I don't really care for doing research and writing papers, and that's pretty much what you have to do to be a tenure-track professor. I like the teaching aspect but don't like the research aspect. Should I become a lecturer instead? Or an adjunct? A consultant? A combination of both? A flexible career would be my ideal, but isn't that everyone's ideal? Time will tell where I go with this... We'll see. Many people would tell you that getting a PhD if you don't intend to become a professor is a waste. I don't see it that way. I do and always have seen it as a personal accomplishment. I came, I learned, I conquered. Now I can make my own path and have many more options -- including becoming a research-oriented professor. I mean, I could just be temporarily burnt out from SO MUCH focus on research with my dissertation. But looking back, I can't really ever remember having a passion for it...
And lastly, here's the news people always wait for when a blog goes silent for months. Usually it's because the blogger is pregnant. In this case, I have to say that my blog has been silent (semi-silent) for other reasons, namely those mentioned in my last post back in December. I'm enjoying being *just a reader*.
So that's a separate issue from the news that I actually am pregnant. This will not be a pregnancy blog or a mommy blog. Believe it or not, I have no desire to write about my experience for an audience. Maybe because I don't want to scare anyone (it's not been fun). But to appease you, baby is the size of a papaya, you know the drill. Imagine a picture of me covered with acne, wearing ill-fitting clothes, and looking decidedly bloated and miserable, and holding said fruit.
Since I know people will ask, here are the answers.
Due? June
Gender? Girl
Planned? Yes (and rude of you to ask).
Glowing? No.
[Insert undesireable pregnancy symptom here]: Yes.
[Insert awesome pregnancy symptom here]: No.
Bump picture? No. Maybe sometime... see Instagram.
Cravings? Potato Oles from Taco Johns. Cherry Icees.
And yes, I am excited and happy about it. It's just thus far been hard to reflect it outwardly when I've spent the last 5 months feeling like you have a hangover*, and a migraine, and the skin of a 14 year old, and an out of control weight problem.
But still: baby girl! We are anxiously awaiting her arrival.
How was everyone's Holiday?
*I know it's one's nature to want to help, but please don't sugged that x, y, or z helped your 'morning sickness'. I am/have been at the "up the dosage on those prescriptions and try combining them" level. Not the "gingerale & apples" level.
Saturday, December 08, 2012
the fall, in subheadings
It's been a while I guess. Honestly, I haven't had that much to say. While I enjoy reading blogs, I am drifting away from the actual writing of my own. It's also very freeing to do something, go somewhere, make something, cook something...without thinking 'I need to take pics for my blog' or whatever. Plus, since the last time I've written, it's been pretty quiet around here. So, here's the fall in subheadings.
Montreal
I gave a full paper at a conference there in October. It was a great experience, good conference, neat city. I also got to see my parents, since they do not live too far from there. Husband did not join me on that trip.
Washington
We went to Washington to spend Thanksgiving with my extended family. It was a particularly interesting trip as my cousin brought her boyfriend and his family as well. Lots of people in a rental house, and a lot of rain too. The rain didn't deter the teenagers from being active outdoors though, of course. And I did a lot of shopping for little things around the island where we stayed. My funnest purchase was a cast iron owl, found in an antique store. It's apparently an incense burner.
The Holidays
With Christmas approaching, I'm finding myself a little behind on gifts but not too badly. We got the outside lights up and the tree too, and the stockings are up on the mantle. Got our first Christmas card from someone today too. I'm a little bummed that I won't be able to take much vacation time this year. I've got a half day off Christmas even and that's it. Even though New Years Eve is on a Monday, I can't take that off because we have an important work project that's being rolled out over that weekend, and we're needed to work (on the weekend and the Monday). I do get the actual New Year's Day off though.
Husband
This is husband's last semester of a full course load, which is great! He will have one class in the spring, and from then and onward it's dissertation research! He also has an exciting opportunity on the horizon; hopefully I'll have some news on that soon too.
A Chapter?
For a few weeks, it was looking like I was going to be writing a book chapter related to my dissertation research. It ended up falling through due to various circumstances and/or misunderstandings, and honestly, I'm feeling a bit relieved. Had it worked out as I'd wanted, it would have looked great on my CV. But it wasn't working out, and now I don't have to compress ~100 pages of lit review in to ~25 for a book, so I am not disappointed. I do need to do *something* academic though. I've been slacking, conference aside.
That's all I've got for now. How is everyone doing... if anyone is still out there following me?
Montreal
I gave a full paper at a conference there in October. It was a great experience, good conference, neat city. I also got to see my parents, since they do not live too far from there. Husband did not join me on that trip.
Washington
We went to Washington to spend Thanksgiving with my extended family. It was a particularly interesting trip as my cousin brought her boyfriend and his family as well. Lots of people in a rental house, and a lot of rain too. The rain didn't deter the teenagers from being active outdoors though, of course. And I did a lot of shopping for little things around the island where we stayed. My funnest purchase was a cast iron owl, found in an antique store. It's apparently an incense burner.
The Holidays
With Christmas approaching, I'm finding myself a little behind on gifts but not too badly. We got the outside lights up and the tree too, and the stockings are up on the mantle. Got our first Christmas card from someone today too. I'm a little bummed that I won't be able to take much vacation time this year. I've got a half day off Christmas even and that's it. Even though New Years Eve is on a Monday, I can't take that off because we have an important work project that's being rolled out over that weekend, and we're needed to work (on the weekend and the Monday). I do get the actual New Year's Day off though.
Husband
This is husband's last semester of a full course load, which is great! He will have one class in the spring, and from then and onward it's dissertation research! He also has an exciting opportunity on the horizon; hopefully I'll have some news on that soon too.
A Chapter?
For a few weeks, it was looking like I was going to be writing a book chapter related to my dissertation research. It ended up falling through due to various circumstances and/or misunderstandings, and honestly, I'm feeling a bit relieved. Had it worked out as I'd wanted, it would have looked great on my CV. But it wasn't working out, and now I don't have to compress ~100 pages of lit review in to ~25 for a book, so I am not disappointed. I do need to do *something* academic though. I've been slacking, conference aside.
That's all I've got for now. How is everyone doing... if anyone is still out there following me?
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